A friend of Mom's sent this to her and she shared it with me. Some of it made sense, but some was REALLY patronizing ... So, I customized it a bit.
To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.
Dear Cats (and Dogs, if the dogs can get someone to read it to 'em),
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest. -- Whaddya mean??? What's mine is mine and what's "yours" is mostly mine, too. Besides, a piece of cat hair in the food just makes it all the more tasty!
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run and take up much more surface area when I land. -- Note to Mom: We don't have stairs. We block your way through the hall because we wanna be picked up. Be a little more dense, okay?
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed ("Cannot," Mom ... I think it's more like "Will not"). I am very sorry about this. Cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm. -- Uh. Right. ANOTHER note to Mom: You have a full-sized bed. You COULD get one two sizes larger if you're desperate for elbow room. You could also diet. I know ... cheap shot.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- feline attendance is not mandatory and neither is grabbing my toes under the door! -- We just wanna know what you're doing. There's no door on our litter boxes, so privacy for you shouldn't be happening. Besides, Charmee wants to participate!
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other cat's butt. --Okay, okay. But we're still gonna kiss you after we clean our 'nether parts' ... You know that you love that.
I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people: YOU included.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter
who is short, hairy, walks on all fours, and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember: Cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train and FAR MORE PLEASANT!
4. Usually come when called
5. Never drive your car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and
11. Can be involuntarily neutered! (NOTE: I found the real #11 about selling the cat's children to be really offensive, so I changed it. DMM)