Life is my litterbox ... Grab the SCOOP!

Friday, December 29, 2006

It's my 200th post: WHOO HOO!


Concatulations to Midnight of Grr, Midnight & Cocoa who accurately guessed that I'd make my 200th post TODAY, December 29th. Midnight was a bit off time-wise, but date-wise right on the money.

If you go to Grr, Midnight & Cocoa's blog, you'll see their "winner" banner! It announces Midnight's triumphant win!

Midnight sent my mom a home address so that the FABULOUS Temptations® prize pack could be shipped out right away (The lady in the bloo shorts took the box at 4:30 PM today).

Mom let me see what was in the prize pack ... I must say that it totally lives up to the "FABULOUS" adjective. There's a bunch of really great stuff in there including every flavor of Temptations including Dentabites!
Don't you wish that you had entered the contest?

Anyway, enough discussion on the fabulous prize that Midnight just won ... Hmmm ... I hope that Midnight's mom posts pictures of Midnight enjoying that prize pack! Charge up the batteries in that camera! DMM


Being "perfect" as we are, cats are loathe to come up with appropriate resolutions for the New Year's Eve round-up (you know ... when everyone's sitting around the table with little strips of paper writin' down what they plan to do differently in the new year.) So, after scouring the internet for HOURS, I've come up with a list cobbled from various sources. Being the humble and self-effacing cat that I am, I'll take full credit for the list (bwahh, haa, haaaaaa ... ).

FOR 2007: CAT NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS

1. I will not flush the toilet while my human is in the shower.

2. I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my humans watch a horror movie.

3. I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium.

4. I will not lean over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then run screaming into the box of clumping cat litter.

5. I will not use the humans' bathtub to store live mice and lizards (yes, Daisy ... ) for late-night snacks.

6. I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and barf them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage.

7. My human will never let me eat her pet hamsters or fish, and I am at peace with that.

8. I will not help myself to Q-tips, and I will not attempt to stuff them down the drain to dispose of them.

9. I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up.

10. As fast as I am, I must remember that I cannot run through closed doors.

11. I will not back up off the front porch and fall into the bushes just as my human is explaining to his girlfriend how graceful I am.

12. I will remember that I am a walking static generator. My human does not need my help installing a new board in her computer.

13. I will remember that my human really will wake up and feed me. I do not have to pry his eyelids open with my claws.

14. I will remember that a warm pepperoni pizza box is not a good place for a nap!

15. I will not leap into my human's chair which she has temporarily vacated, and then bite my human on the tush when she sits back down.

16. We will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti over our humans' bed (or down the hallway) while they're trying to sleep.

17. I will not sniff at my male human's feet after he takes his shoes off, freeze my mouth open in disgust and then sniff my private parts to compare odors. My female human might find it amusing, but my male human does not appreciate it, especially in front of company.

18. I will not bite my human on the rear while she is sitting on the Big White Drinking Bowl, nor will I perch myself in the underwear sling created while the human is in that position.

19. I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)

20. I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has finished watching The X-Files reruns or Supernatural.

21. When my human is taking a bubble bath, the two pinkish-brown things sticking up out of the bubbles in her chest region are NOT to be attacked!

22. I will not drag dirty socks up from the basement in the middle of the night, deposit them on the bed and yell at the top of my lungs so that my human can admire my "kill."

23. I will not knead my male human's groin at 2:00AM with claws extended. (It seems to cause him some discomfort and he wakes up all grumpy.)

24. Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.

25. I am a (neutered) cat, not a peacock, and prancing around with my tail fluffed up will not make my hoo-ha grow back.

26. I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.

27. I will not complain that my butt is wet and that I am thirsty after sitting in my water bowl.

28. I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.

29. If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.

30. It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer before it dissolves in boiling coffee.

31. When I am chasing my tail and catch my back leg instead, I will not bite own on my foot. This hurts, and my scream scares my human.

32. When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house. It is not necessary to check every door. Birds do not come from the bird feeder. I will not knock it down and try to open it up to get the birds out.

33. I will not stuff my rather large self into the rather small bird feeder (with my tail hanging out one side) and expect the birds to just fly in.

34. I will not teach the parrot to meow in a loud and raucous manner.

35. The dog can see me coming when I stalk her. She can see me and will move out of the way when I pounce, letting me smash into floors and walls. That does not mean I should take it as a personal insult when my humans sit there and laugh.

36. Yes, there are still two very large dogs in the backyard. There have been for several years. I don't have to act as if I've just discovered the Demon Horror of the Universe each time one of them appears in my window.

37. I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true.

38. When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.

39. I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when she's on the family room floor trying to do sit ups.

40. When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms are not a hammock.

41. I will not bring the city police to the front door by stepping on the speaker phone button and then the automatic 911 dial button.

42. I will not speed dial the overseas numbers, and I will not hang up the phone when my human's using the "speakerphone."

43. The goldfish likes living in water and should be allowed to remain in its bowl.

44. I will not eat plants and then hallucinate behind the toilet.

45. I will not drag the magnets (and the papers they are holding up) off of the refrigerator and then bat them underneath it so that they adhere to the underside.

46. I will learn to relax at the vet's office so they will start writing things in my records like "Good Kitty" and "Sweet Kitty" instead of the stuff that's there now like "MEAN!!", "BITER!!!", and "CALL FOR HELP!!!!!"

47. I don't need to check my male human's aim in the bathroom.

48. I will not be miffed at my human all day and then kiss her on the nose at 2:00AM to tell her that she is forgiven and can now pet me.

49. If I MUST claw my human, I will not do it in such a fashion that the scars resemble a botched suicide attempt.

50. If I must give a present to my humans's overnight guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a live cockroach, even if it isn't as tasty.

51. I will not soak my catnip toy in the water bowl to make tea. I will not get high and sit there drinking my tea and kneading the floor afterwards. I will not then get delusions of grandeur and make tea in the toilet bowl or the tub. And I will not try to make tea with used socks, dirty panties or hair scrunchies when my humans take the catnip toy away from me (Pumpkin, this means YOU!).

52. I promise I will meditate more closely upon the causal relationship between going dumpster diving on Sunday afternoon and projectile vomiting Monday, and being brought to the Evil Place Where They Stick Things Up My Butt on Tuesday evening. I realize that if I hadn't done the first, none of the other things would have happened.

53. I will not walk on the keyboard when my human is writing important emio gnaioerp ga3qi4 taija3tgv aa35 a

54. If I put a live mouse in my food bowl, I should not expect it to stay there until I get hungry.

55. Television and computer screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.

56. The canned cat food is already dead. I do not need to kill it by swatting bits of it all over the floor.

57. I should not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.

58. The hamster likes to sleep once in a while. I will not watch him constantly.

59. No matter how dangly and attractive they are, my human's earrings are not cat toys.

60. My human is capable of cooking bacon and eggs without my help.

61. My human is capable of making the bed without my help.

62. I am a carnivore. Potted and/or silk plants are not meat.

63. I will never be able to walk on the ceiling, and staring up the wall and screaming at it will not bring it any closer.

64. If my human wants to share her sandwich with me, she will give me a piece. She will notice if I start eating it from the other end. Taking my own bites is rude.

65. The large dog in the back yard has lived there for six years. I will not freak out every time I see it.

66. Just because I hear voices in my head, I do not have to answer them!

67. I will not hide behind the toilet so that I can pat the human on the backside when he sits down just to make him levitate.

68. If I sit in the sink while my human is brushing his teeth, I will not get angry when he spits toothpaste on me.

69. I will not attempt to stop the human's snoring by sticking my paws into his mouth.

70. I will not use my psychic powers to project myself into my human's dreams when I am hungry, causing her to dream that I am a talking cat, and I can say "Where's my supper?"

71. I will not run through the house with a condom wrapper in my mouth when my human's grandmother is visiting.

72. When my young humans are playing with modeling clay, I will not remove solid waste from my litter tray and roll it onto the kitchen floor.

73. I will not display my worm collection on the kitchen floor on a rainy night. My human does not like finding it with her bare feet.

74. I will not give the V-E-T a urine or stool sample unless he requests it.

75. I will remember that any critter that lives in the house, like hamsters, stays in the house; and any critters that live outside, like frogs and lizards, stay outside. I am not allowed to set the hamster free in exchange for finding a frog to put in the fish tank.

76. I will not fish out my human's partial plate from the glass so that the dog can "wear" it and pretend to be my human. (It is somewhat unnerving to wake up, roll over in bed, and see the dog grinning at you with your own teeth.)

77. I will not intrude on my human's candle-lit bubblebath and singe my butt.

78. I will no longer attempt to read my human's book or newspaper by sitting my butt down on it. I will never grow eyes there, no matter how hard I try. And that's probably a good thing, too.

15 comments:

Gemini said...

Congratulations to Grr Midnight and Cocoa!

That's a mighty long list you have Daisy Mae...

Grr, Midnight & Cocoa said...

Hahahahahaha! Those are funny! We'll never stop helping ourselves to Q-tips though.

I'm so excited to be a winner! Thank you very, very, very much!!!
Midnight

DaisyMae Maus said...

Concatulations, Midnight ... Mom will send you a winning badge .jpeg for your blog so that you can broadcast to EFURRYONE that you won my first ever contest and a FABULOUS Temptations prize pack!
DMM

Eric and Flynn said...

Concatyoolayshuns to Midnight.
Dats lots of rezzerlooshuns. Do yoo fink you will be aybull to keep enny of them?

Renee said...

That's an aweful lot of stuff to remember. Maybe you can just do some of the list.

KC said...

o, congratulashions to Midnight, wow.

'n we's luved tha list of revolushuns, too. furry funny. they's not serious, right?

One-Eyed Jack said...

Congratulations Midnight!

As to those resolutions, I'm pretty sure if I promised to not play "Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti" Persephone and me would break it 5 minutes later!!! My OTW calls me the Herd of Thundering Elephant. Yes, one elephant. Well, two now. Persephone is LOUD!!!

Also, I'm not sure about it not raining on the other side of the building if it's raining on the balcony. It's important to check, anyway, just in case.

Dragonheart said...

Wow, that's a very long list! Good luck with everything on it!

DaisyMae Maus said...

I'm NOT gonna do any of those resolutions because I am perfect the way I am and Mom ... to quote the immortal 'SuperChicken' ... "knew the job was dangerous when (s)/he took it."
DMM

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