Life is my litterbox ... Grab the SCOOP!

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Thursday Thirteen #23: The Zen of Sarcasm

One of Mom's friends at school ... the calculus teacher ... sent Mom this list of life advice via email.

Since Mom has put off recognizing the "Housecat of the Quarter" until the weekend, because ... get this ... she's "too tired to vote objectively" and she's "hosting an awards banquet for 125 tonight so time is at a premium", I'm running this list as my Thursday Thirteen.

Huh! Too busy for ME?!?
Yes. I'm bitter.
Yes, I'm bein' just a tad demanding.
Yes, I really, REALLY want to reclaim my title.
But I don't want to be a suck-up 'cuz suck-ups tend to get thumped.

I asked Mom what I'd be getting THIS time when I was named "Housecat of the Quarter."
She looked at me with a startled expression on her face and asked why I thought that I had the contest sewn up ... That, in fact, my "pie sulk" had cost me valuable points that just might tip the scale in favor of one of the Feline Americans.

Wha'? You've GOT to be kidding! Who could possibly have more points than I do? How could one sulk over pie cost me the crown?

Is it Charmee? He's been HORRIBLE this quarter! He climbed on the mantle. He broke a pitcher! He chased Cocoa Puff and THUMPED him!

Ugh! I can't lose! This is far too important to my self-esteem! Whaaaaaaaaa!

While I try to wheedle my way back into Mom's favor with some carefully timed purring, enjoy this week's Thursday Thirteen:

The Zen of Sarcasm

I. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

II. Its always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

III. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

IV. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

V. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

VI. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.

VII. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

VIII. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

IX. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

X. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

XI. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

XII. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

XIII. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night!


Jake and Bathsheba said...

DaisyMae, don't worry; you're my Cat of the Quarter EVERY quarter.

Peace,Purrs and Smooches,

The Meezers said...

mommy's favorite is always the "you're a mile away and you have their shoes". that's gets her giggling efurry time

Phoebe said...

Those are very funny pieces of advice. I really liked them.

Rocky the Gutter Cat said...

Thoze namby-pamby unix yoo liv with can't hold a candul to yoo. If yoo don't win Housecat of the Qwarter, I'll host a Spicy Vixin of the Yeer Award so at leest yoo can win sumthing.

Zoey and the furballs (the Zoo Crew) said...

DaisyMae, I can't imagine a more deserving cat for Cat of the Quarter. I'm sure you're a shoe-in.

Miss Peach>(^,^) said...

Winning is good DMM, but you have already won the best award of all....the hearts of those who love you.
Luf Miss Peach>(^,^)<
PS: That doesn't mean you can't throw a hissy fit if you don't win (HEE HEE)

Oscar the Puppy Cat said...

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!! MOL!!!!!!!!!!!
OK, you've now made my day!
Have a superfantastic one yourself!

The Cat Realm said...

Those are the best Thirteens! We loved them.

Daisy said...

Those were funny! My favorite is number II. I think I can use that advice for other things too, like the best time to steal toys from Pixie.

小芥 michico said...

These are axioms~!!!!
I will remember that~!

Kaze, Latte, or Chase said...

I love the one about the closed mouth not gathering food. I guess that's why I scream for it!!


Anonymous said...

He, he..

Shilgiah the Cat said...

Hahahaha...Very funny stuff. Mom almost spit coffee out her nose. Now, that was funny.

Fritzamus Maximus said...

Words of wisdom indeeed! The Feeders like duct tape... the American Feeder held her old car together with duct tape!

Rascal said...

Hahaha! I needed that.

Skeeter & LC said...

You have been invited to a new meme. Check the Skeeter and LC blog June 07, 2007 posts.