Life is my litterbox ... Grab the SCOOP!

Monday, August 27, 2007

English Language Development in Cats and others

Being a cat, English is my second language (I'm a native speaker of "Meow"). Since Mom's a teacher, I have access to a grammarian who most assuredly speaks as precisely as she writes.

Mom attempts to fine-tune the diction of her students in order to help them to sound as bright as they are, but on occasion, even she is hard-pressed to explain the "whys" of the English language to her ninth graders. Today, she tried to explain why the words "laughter" and "slaughter" ... while spelled virtually the same (save for an "s") ... are pronounced wildly differently.

She resorted to telling them that English is a difficult language with arbitrary rules: Deal with it.

An' just a little thought from me: Why is it that unhappy postal workers are "disgruntled," but the happy ones can't be "gruntled"?


Asylum for the Verbally Insane
Author unknown

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.

One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?

We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.

We have noses that run and feet that smell.

We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.

And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

So if Father is Pop, how come Mother isn't Mop?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England.

We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.


Chairman Mao said...

hehehe, my momma LOVES that Asylum fur the Verbally Insane! Would it be okay if she reposted it on her writing bloggie? She's love to share it there! Whatta hoot -- and English is deffunitly a weird languige -- I'm glad my first languige is Meowish!

Kittyhugs and purrs from MaoMao!

Benjamin Fuzz said...

mom's chuckling.

Gemini said...

Momma's French teacher used to answer questions like that with the response:

"It's pretty that way."

You could always try that...

DaisyMae Maus said...

Mao Mao ...
Please tell your momma to "post away"!